Sheila’s next to Andrew
And Andrew’s opposite Marge.
Rita can have the window seat
Because she’s rather large.
Clive can flirt with Kay
So put Sally on the right;
But Kath must be with Ian ’cos
He’s bound to end up tight.
Edward can go in the corner—
I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.
Bill can talk the pants off Jim,
Let Joy be unconfined.
But Dorothy’s a problem
Because she’s such a bitch.
On the other hand she’s very
Old and very rich.

Susan has decided
That she’s going to come with Kim,
And Bertrand is insisting
That we put him next to Tim.
Philip and his girlfriend
Won’t come with any luck;
They’ve got so much in common—
They’re both as common as muck!
Simon can cope with Nicky
As long as she’s not near Ted,
So we’d better put Ken with Antonia
After what Elspeth said.
But Dorothy’s a problem—
She’s such a frightful bore.
Her cystitis is still playing up
So put her near the door.

Jill has rung to tell me
That she rather fancies Dick,
But Rachel says he might not come—
Doesn’t it make you sick!
Can we ask the Wilsons?
Would it be alright
If we took them into the garden
And kept them out of sight?
Eric and Wayne and Karlene
Will have to sit next to their Mum.
So long as I’m nowhere near them
We’d better let them come.
But Dorothy’s a problem—
She’s got a frightful thirst;
She eats us out of house and home
And always gets here first.

Now Martin’s next to Tina,
And Tina’s such a tease—
Keep her away from Elizabeth
Or it’s bound to upset Louise.
Cyril and Natasha
Have said they’ll try and show,
But they don’t get on with David,
Richard, Angela or Joe.
Jean-Pierre and Martina
Are flying in from France.
Shall we leave a place for them
Or shall we take a chance?
But Dorothy’s a problem—
She’s coming on her own.
Reg put up with her last time—
Let’s give her Aunty Joan.

I think that’s everybody—
There’s you and me and Ben.
Oh wait! We’ve left out Janet and Keith!
Oh we’ll have to start again!

Jeremy Nicholas (b1947)
Reproduced by permission of Novello & Co Ltd