Bertie: I’m what folks call a ‘Johnnie’, of the title I am proud,
My manner’s always dainty, though my dress a trifle loud,
I’ve a handsome set of chambers and a balance up at ‘Coutt’s’,
But do not shine at anything excepting at the boots.
I’ve joined the ‘Junior Pothouse’ and drop in when I am by,
I don’t possess much brain, but I have got the latest tie.
When I’ve done my morning Bond Street crawl,
I do the thing in style,
And give the cabby half-a-crown to drive me half a mile.
Bertie / Chorus: For I’m beautiful bountiful Bertie,
Best of all the lot!
Beautiful bountiful Bertie,
Always on the spot!
Thick with all of the girls you know,
From Flo and Alice to Gertie.
I tell you straight he is up to date
Is beautiful bounding Bertie.

Bertie: I’m the patron of the Theatre, so jolly don’t you know!
To throw your head back in the stalls and revel in the show,
Though Shakespeare says ‘the play’s the thing’,
of course that’s awful rot,
I hate a bally tragedy, I loathe a bally plot!
I like to stroll in halfway through with no one to object,
To sit out half an hour or so, don’t tax the intellect,
I must confess in ‘Hamlet’ no interest I’ve found,
I much prefer ‘The Gaiety Girl’ or else ‘Morocco Bound’.
Bertie / Chorus: For beautiful bountiful Bertie,
Sits in front and pays,
Beautiful bountiful Bertie,
Knows the ladies’ ways,
Wants to chat with the girls behind,
But the stage door Johnny gets shirty.
He tips him a dollar then eases his collar
And round to the back goes Bertie.

Bertie: For my little pranks at Eton, I have often got the birch,
They plough’d me for the army, and they plough’d me
for the church;
But I’ve got a little place up North with a tidy roll of rent;
So to end up matters properly to parliament I went;
I represent a borough, and I’ve quite forgot its name,
I never catch the Speaker’s eye or ask a question tame;
I never make a rotten speech or even order call,
I find it more effective if you never speak at all.
Bertie / Chorus: But beautiful bountiful Bertie,
Some grand ideas I’ve got,
Beautiful bountiful Bertie,
Will show them what is what;
A cabinet minister he will be
Before he’s much over thirty;
He’ll say when he’s Premier, ‘Hallo there! dem yer,
Buck up and vote for Bertie.’

George Grossmith (1874-1935)